Saturday, March 14, 2020

O you beast! I’ll so maul you and your toasting-iron, That you shall think the devil is come from hell (0)

"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers gophers"1

I like agaves - they are pretty, they come in many shapes and sizes, and they usually do fairly well in the desert. I'm not picky - agave-like plants are also welcome!

I do not like gophers. However, gophers do like agaves and agave like plants. This winter was especially horrendous. Since my words when i was doing this clean up were not very "family-friendly" (but did involve the letter F a lot), I had to resort to Shakespearean insults for the gophers for this blog post.

We start in the back garden, on the hillside. There were 2 Agave 'Green Goblets" there.  Now, thanks to the crusty batch of nature2 there are zero:
 
that does not look good

This one is ok?
Thy sin’s not accidental, but a trade3

looks, they are deceiving
 Thou art unfit for any place but hell.4

Not content with just 2, i noticed that my Agave 'Crazy Horse' was looking sad. A tug on the leaf core produced:
You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! 5

Bloody, bawdy villain! Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain! 6
This next one really, really hurt. I have (had) a giant furcraea in the front garden. Here it was a few weeks ago:
easily 7-8 feet across
 But then...
Thou hateful wither’d hag! 7
 The three-inch fool8 dug a tunnel into the heart of the plant:
You are as a candle, the better burnt out. 9
It gets worse... I'm seeing bad signs for my favorite agave:
Whoreson caterpillars, bacon-fed knaves! 10
I haven't had the heart to go pull on it... maybe next weekend. I don't know if it was a combination of our snow and gophers, or just extra hungry gophers, but this was a horrible winter. I think any new replacements will be getting gopher cages/collars.

That trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey Iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?11

I do desire that we may be better strangers. 12

0. King John, Act 4, Scene 3
1. Henry VI Part 2, Act 4, Scene 2
2. The History of Triolus and Cressida, Act 5, Scene 1
3. Measure for Measure, Act 3, Scene 1
4. Richard III, Act 1, Scene 2
5. Henry IV Part 2, Act 2, Scene 1 
6. Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2
7. Richard III Act 1, Scene 3
8. The Taming of the Shrew, Act 4, Scene 1
9. Henry IV Part 2, Act 1, Scene 2
10. Henry IV, Part 1, Act 2, Scene 2
11 Henry IV Part 2, Act 2, Scene 3
12. As You Like It, Act 3, Scene 2

6 comments:

  1. Oh how frustrating and heartbreaking. I have waged similar wars and done my fair share of ranting too. Spray repellants that are absorbed into into the plant have been successful for me.

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    1. I will have to look that up! So far it's been traps for me... they just laugh at anything else.

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  2. While saddened by your losses, I loved this post from first sight of of the title. The curses are entirely on point. Who knew gophers could be so destructive? I'm now counting myself lucky I just have raccoons, possums, skunks and the occasional rabbit, the latter usually quickly reduced in number by the coyotes.

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    1. evil little creatures! good thing all those english classes came in useful!

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  3. If you hadn't identified the cause of this horrible destruction as gophers I'd be afraid you had the dreaded agave weevil on your hands. I am so sorry!

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    1. I was worried about that too! but i doubt they burrow into the ground in gopher sized tunnels... I'll keep a look out just in case! Given the way this spring is going, i'll end up with both!

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